And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
