I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize