God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
