His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
