We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
