There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
