I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
