How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
