i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Randomize
