I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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