my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My vagina just clenched in fear
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