I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
