I am midnight drunk by noon
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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