Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
