I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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