I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
