i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
