I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
