i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I did not marry a roomba.
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