Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
