Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
