I wish I could teleport
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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