She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
