I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
