I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
