I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
