...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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