What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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