I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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