Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
