jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
