So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
