if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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