This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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