Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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