areolas are like halos for boobs.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
