I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Dear god my vagina.
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