just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
i think i just lost a toe
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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