Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
