Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize
