You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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