where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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