my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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