between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
