Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize
