giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
