So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
We're hate flirting, damnit.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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