well I can't set my house on fire every night
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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