hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
