I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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