It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
