Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize
