i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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