why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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