Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
