should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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