We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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