I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
