would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
We are all done wearing pants today
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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