He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
wrigley field is MILF paradise
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
