You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
