I think i peed on brittanys purse
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize