Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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