either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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