Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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