then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
